Comfort, Encouragement and A Mother's Wisdom
by BrienneofThrace
Summary: RemusTonks. My take on Molly's 'tea and sympathy,' complete with flashbacks, mistletoe, Sirius being mischievous. Will show moments throughout all of HBP regarding our two favorite shape shifters.Chap 3 up! TonksRemus finally interact, and Tonks isn't hap
1. Mistletoe, Late night confessions & tea

A/N: Here's a fic I wrote for a Remus/Tonks ficathon, that I thought I'd share with FFN. Hope you likay!

Comfort, Encouragement and A Mother's Wisdom

"Come in Tonks, come in," Molly Weasley smiled, ushering her into the kitchen where she sat on a stool knitting with a hand gesture. Tonks noticed the maroon color of the yarn and could almost manage a smile as she wondered if it was for Ron. Ginny had once told her, laughing heartily while the family stayed at Grimmaul Place, of the long standing tradition of Mrs. Weasley obliviously giving him his most despised colored sweater.

"Who let you in dear?" Molly asked, knowing she couldn't have gotten passed the enchantments around the house by herself, auror or not.

"Fleur did," Tonks replied, taking in Molly's reaction.

"Did she remember to ask the safety question," she asked sharply, looking almost hopeful. When Tonks nodded, a dark look passed over her features and she muttered "That's surprising." Tonks raised and eyebrow, in a fashion she didn't realize until it was too late, was almost an exact imitation of Remus Lupin's eyebrow raise. She ignored the blush that rose to her cheeks.

"I know, it's terrible of me," Molly shrugged, not looking very sorry. "But if that girl was stuck underfoot all week, complaining about everything and insulting every aspect of your lifestyle, you'd be a bit…discontent too. Needless to say, dear, I'm delighted for some female company of a less…high strung sort. Though I suppose you're only here on order business?'

"Er…actually, no Molly…I'm…I'm here to talk about something…er…not…Order related," Tonks said with an awkwardness quite unlike her usual bubbly personality.

"Oh?" Molly asked, surprised and looking more interested. "What is it dear?"

"It's just…oh it's silly really," Tonks said, backing away towards the doorway slightly. "I mean, I shouldn't be bothering you with something so stupid, with all you probably have on your mind with the war and your own children and everything. I just wanted to talk to someone who wasn't my own mum," she said, very, very quickly. "though, you're a mum too, so it still might be weird, but at least you're not mine, and I thought you might know a bit about this kind of thing, but I doubt you care ab-"

"Tonks dear!" Molly said loudly, cutting off the rant that Tonks hadn't even realized she had been on. Molly looked slightly baffled, trying to understand how anyone could speak that quickly and smiled as Tonks looked embarrassed. There was a moment of silence, which ended when Molly realized Tonks would actually allow her to get a word in.

"Now, Tonks, I don't know what it is that has you so worked up, but I'd appreciate it if you let me make my own decision about whether or not I want to listen. One of the gift's of being a mother is that you not only can tolerate listening, you rather love it. Now, I don't know if I can help you, but I'll certainly try. And having years of practice makes it likely that I'll be able to figure _something _out."

"But really," Tonks said, again looking and feeling incredibly awkward and wishing she hadn't come at all. "I should just go. It's pointl-"

"Nonsense, love," Molly said firmly, waving her wand. Tonks leapt out of the way, stumbling as a pot of tea whizzed past her ear and onto the table beside Molly. "Sit down! Do you take sugar?"

"Er…one spoon," Tonks said awkwardly, making her way toward a rickety chair beside Molly. Molly handed her a steaming mug and smiled encouragingly.

"Oh man, I can't believe I got myself into this," Tonks said, laughing humorlessly. "One minute I feel like if I don't tell _someone _I'm going to start blowing up my flat for some kind of release, and the next minute I feel like if I tell anyone I'll just have to crawl under a rock for the rest of my life."

Molly laughed, and shook her head. "No wonder my children hardly ever come to me with this stuff. If it's this hard for you to tell me something, I can't imagine what it's like for them. You need to learn that it's okay to open up. Go on, love."

"Well, basically…I did something incredibly stupid and I've mucked up something really wonderful and I've gone and lost a really good…" she mumbled the rest of it into her hands, looking miserable.

"Tonks, you're going to have to speak up if you want me to help you. I promise I won't judge you, whatever it is. Out with it!"

"Okay," Tonks said, uncertainly. "Well, I suppose if I'm going to make myself look like the worlds biggest fool for the second time in a week I may as well go all out and start at the beginning. Do you… Do you remember last Christmas and Grimmauld Place? Sirius was a bit…enthusiastic," she chose, a bittersweet grin on her face, "at the thought of having so much company for the holidays?"

"Yes, I remember," Molly said, smiling as well.

"Well, I suppose this is all his fault, the old bugger. I'm sure he's having a great laugh at this, with all those hints he used to drop about…us," Tonks laughed, blinking away tears. "It was on the night you and Bill were over, and the kids were asleep, and Sirius was decorating the tree…"

Tonks remembered the night well, lazing about in the sitting room of Grimmauld Place, Molly at her knitting, while Bill read the paper and Sirius, humming Christmas songs loudly, his mood contagiously warming the entire house as he stood on a step ladder, putting up decorations, scorning anyone's suggestion he do it by magic. She had volunteered to bring in some eggnog, ignoring the wary looks the three of them gave each other. Determined to get it done without causing havoc, she bounced out of the room, managing to trip over a very large box of decorations that a blind man probably could have spotted.

She's found Remus in the kitchen, taking off his soaked boots and coat, cheeks red from the cold. After she sloshed a good portion of the eggnog over the counter, she had recruited his help, grinning as he shook his head at her. They head towards the living room, trays at hand, discussing their families' strangest Christmas traditions, trying to beat each other out. As they entered the doorway, Tonks stopped her story about drunken enchanted snowmen as she realized she couldn't move. Glancing at Remus, she saw the same confusion upon his face and they tried to move once again, only to be pushed back by the invisible force again. They stared at each other, confused beyond belief until they heard an insane cackling coming from the right.

Sirius stood on the ladder, beside the Christmas tree and was in the process of putting the star on, an act he had now abandoned for a far more interesting spectacle. Still laughing, eyes alight, he shouted "HA! So it does work! Wasn't sure it would! Looks like you two are the first victims!"

"Er…what?" Remus asked, blinking. Sirius pointed gleefully above their heads, eyebrows waggling dramatically. Groaning they both looked up slowly, knowing well what they were going to see. By now Bill had set his paper aside and was grinning towards them. Molly tried to roll her eyes but a small smile was playing at her lips. Remus eyed the mistletoe, looking uncomfortable, and tried to brush it off with his usual calm air.

"Sirius, remind me again how old you are," he said, the color on his cheeks no longer belonging to the cold.. He tried to walk through the barrier again, only to be pushed back.

"Oh, go on, Remus," Molly smiled. "It's Christmas."

Still very red, Remus moved the tray he was holding aside and planted a quick kiss on her cheek and made to move away. He stopped, or rather was stopped when the barrier pushed him back again.

"The mistletoe isn't satisfied mate, and neither am I," Sirius said, waggling a finger. "Honestly mate, I've been holed up here for months, Give us a show!" He jumped off the third step of the ladder and bounded over to them taking the trays out of their hands, allowing them room for creativity.

Tonks, feeling the excessive Christmas spirit of the house gave a shrug and without a hint of embarrassment flung her arms around Remus's neck, forcing them to bend into a very dramatic dip. Once they were in position with his arms rather unwillingly wrapped around her back to keep her from falling, she pressed her mouth forcefully against his and their lips began their work. Well, hers did, at least. Remus was a little too shocked to respond at first, but when he did, it was Tonks's turn to be shocked. As she felt his lips tentatively start to move gently and cautiously, she felt a wave of dizziness was over her. She hadn't put much thought into the action, and had intended a dramatic, over the top and showy kiss, and nothing else. A meaningless show to give her cousin a laugh.

She hadn't expected to feel such an amazing tingle of electricity run through her, or feel such incredible warmth because of his tenderness. The gentleness and softness of his lips against hers caused her to relax and mimic his pattern, and the feeling was intoxicating. They couldn't have been kissing for as long as it seemed, for she didn't think she could even remember a moment before they had started, but when they broke away it was still all too soon. Before she knew it, they had pulled apart, with Remus looking flustered and embarrassed., a nervous smile on his face.

As Bill and Sirius wolf whistled wildly and Tonks headed shakily towards her seat, she realized that she, who was never affected by things like this, was probably more dazed and flustered than Remus. As they sat in their separate chairs, avoiding the other's eyes, they were silent. Remus, who was never overly talkative, was quiet for the rest of the night, and no one thought much of it. She felt curious eyes upon her though, for it was unlike her to stay quiet for longer that five minutes at a time, and there was no explanation for her silence.

At least no explanation she was willing to give. She was hardly going to tell the entire room that thoughts of Remus were flying around her head like pin balls, ricocheting off each other wildly as the feelings of being in his arms flashed through her mind. Suddenly, she found herself reliving all the moments she'd spent with him over the past months, seeing them in a new light. Suddenly all the kindness and good nature that he had shown seemed to be screaming in her mind, more apparent than they'd ever been, meaning more than they ever had.

She'd liked Remus from the moment she'd met him, of course. He just had one of those personalities that managed to shine through even through the awkwardness of meeting a new person. They'd been on duty together loads of times, and the days they had time to keep Sirius company often coincided and she'd seen his wise and calm manners at work, and was pleasantly surprised during the moments where his amusing sense of humor could be seen too. His patience and control in dealing with situations from Order Meetings to Sirius's long angry rants and threats to go visit Harry was something she deeply admired. By Christmas, she had already considered him a very good friend, and he made her feel comfortable so easily. But she could honestly say she hadn't thought about him in _that _way.

At least, she hadn't realized that she might have been. She knew there must have been some thoughts of it, buried under a surface she refused to dig beneath. But like a ticking time bomb, it seemed as though there only needed to be a slight spark for the explosion to occur. As the feelings burst from beneath the ground she didn't even try to fight them. She knew she should, because clearly the idea of the two of them, together, was absolutely mad, but she had just received the most amazing kiss of her life, and by the time she could muster up the will power to stop thinking about him, it was too late. There was no going back, no pretending she hadn't fallen hard.

After a few days the awkwardness between them subsided, only arising briefly again whenever Sirius wormed the word mistletoe into the conversation, putting such emphasis on it seemed his face would explode with the effort. Remus, being the reserved man he was, avoided her eyes for a few days, and she couldn't blame him. She must have seemed mad, grabbing him like that. But she was Tonks, and she was impulsive so it seemed he had finally shrugged it off as her spunky personality and quickly returned to normal, engaging her in conversation about New Year's family traditions, which were not nearly as strange as some of the Christmas one's they had discussed, but amusing nonetheless.

Tonks was glad, in a way, that things went back to normal so quickly, that he could still laugh with her and give her words of encouragement when she trudged into Grimmauld Place looking exhausted after working shifts for both the Ministry and the Order. But now, though she was able to act normal and cheery on the outside, each random touch of her arm or kind smile he batted her way caused her heart to thump in her chest and her stomach to flip in ways she'd never known possible.

When Tonks finished reliving a much less detailed and pathetic-sounding version of this tale, looking horribly embarrassed Molly was grinning at her widely.

"Well, I always thought things seemed different between the two of you since then. I don't think I ever saw you so quiet. It was incredibly sweet, though I think you might have shocked a few years off the poor dear's life," Molly laughed, but stopped suddenly when Tonks opened her mouth in horror and buried her face in her hands. "What is it? What's wrong," she gasped, shocked at Tonks's reaction.

"Oh, God. Sorry Molly. It's just…when I was telling you all that I sort of…forgot to think about the rest of the story I'm meant to tell you…" Tonks moaned, looking slightly terrified. "I mean…there's more to it than just…realizing how I felt about him…"

Molly nodded encouragingly, not speaking, which forced Tonks to continue.

"Well, you see, for months after that, I never said anything to him about…that…and we just went on as friends, and we definitely got closer as time went on. I mean, we had guard duty a lot and we were always visiting Sirius so he wouldn't go mad, and it was just so nice being his friend. I've had loads of really good friends before…but Remus…he's different. He just makes you feel so safe, without even having to do anything big. He just makes you feel better, just by smiling or talking, you know?"

"Yes, he's a lovely man. He was always so good about Percy, whenever I got upset. I can't blame you for falling for him. You could do a lot worse," Molly said, raising her eyebrows and grinning, hoping her support would relax Tonks a bit, for the poor girl was still on the edge of her seat, looking as though every word pained her to say. To her horror, Tonks's eyes filled with tears and she quickly turned away and wiped at them furiously. "Oh dear, love? What on earth happened between the pair of you?"

"I'm getting there," Tonks sighed. "Slowly and painfully, but I'm getting there. I guess the turning point is probably after the…the Department of Mysteries. When I woke up in St. Mungo's Remus was right there beside my bed, and he…he was the one who told me about Sirius," she choked out. "I can't pretend to have been as close to Sirius as he was, but I really loved the guy, mood swings and all. I know I only knew him well for a year…but I was probably closest to him after Remus and Harry.

"Remus came to visit every day in the hospital, and it was such a comfort to have him there, but I suppose if maybe he hadn't come _every _day, or if he didn't bring Fizzing Wizzbees for me every time, maybe I wouldn't have started to think he might…God, I'm such an _idiot, _Molly. But I mean, they're my favorite and I know I was never exactly quiet about it, but still, he remembered, even with everything that was going on and he was always making sure I had enough pillows and that I was eating that rank food they served and…" Tonks broke off, a look of self disgust on her face, and Molly looked sympathetic. She had inferred, despite Tonks's failure to actually say what had happened, that things hadn't gone well between them, but how they actually got there, Molly could not figure out, and so she urged Tonks on with a soft squeeze of her hand.

"It was on the last night at Grimmauld Place…"

Tonks shook her head in disbelief as she tripped over the umbrella stand for the millionth time, bitterly wondering why the dreadful place had to make sure it sent her home bruised even on her final stay in the dank house. She looked around the hallway as she made her way towards the living room, glaring at disgust at the house elf heads that lined the corridor, a wave of sadness crashing over her as she thought of her cousin and his miserable final year. When she entered the sitting room, Remus looked up at her, tears in his eyes, but a small smile on his lips.

"I thought for a second Bellatrix might have decided to crash in a bit early, but then I heard the _actual _crash and I realized I was in for some slightly more pleasant company," he said, looking at her out of those grey eyes, filled with tears that she wanted to wish away. "You didn't injure yourself this time, did you?" Ignoring the increase of her heartbeat, she feigned offense.

"Excuse me? _Slightly _more pleasant? Well, I don't know who it is that ranks _much _more pleasant than a vicious Death Eater in your book, but I'd quite like to meet this person.," she laughed. "I…wasn't expecting you to be here…"

"Yeah, well, Dumbledore's not letting us stay here after tomorrow, so I thought I'd spend one last night here, for Sir…for Sirius," Remus said, voice cracking.

"I was planning on doing the same," she smiled sadly. "Though I'm sure he'd be disgusted with us for wanting to stay in this dreadful place."

"I'm sure he would," Remus said, patting the couch beside him. "He complained more than enough when you'd come to visit him, asking what you were 'doing in a dung-hole like this when you had the freedom to go anywhere'," Remus laughed, "but of course he was only fishing for compliments. He loved nothing more than to hear you say 'Oh, stuff it cousin, I don't mind being here if it means downing a few glasses of whiskey with you and hearing about your mad adventures-"

"Hey! I do _not _sound like that," Tonks scoffed, smiling at his imitation of her voice, despite the lump in her throat.

"I suppose you don't," Remus laughed. "But I thought I'd give it a shot anyway."

****

Tonks paused momentarily in the kitchen of the Burrow, partially because she was saddened once again at remembering her cousin, but also because she was getting towards the part of the story that would be hardest to tell anyone, even Molly.

"We sat beside each other for hours, sometimes talking about…him and sometimes trying to completely avoid talking about him at all, and sometimes just not talking at all, and then there was this moment that got us both exceptionally upset and we…well we just turned to each other and started to lean in for a hug, but instead of just letting my cheek go past his…I…I _kissed _him. I actually kissed him, and it wasn't because of some stupid mistletoe…so I had no excuse for doing it…And there was this period of about 5 seconds where I actually thought he might…you know…not mind…I think he might have been, you know, kissing back…but then he pulled away and-" Tonks said, taking a large gulp of tea, and making sure she was looking anywhere but into Molly's eyes. And she went back into her memory…

She was looking into the eyes of a completely shocked Remus Lupin,

"Tonks…I…what?"

"I…er…well, that wasn't _quite _the way I imagined telling you, if I ever got the guts…but…er…there you have it…"Tonks said, biting her lip nervously, a small smile on her face, that quickly faded when she saw that Remus, who always returned her smiles, even if he was feeling like hell after a transformation or a long night was simply staring at her, open mouthed. And it was not the _good _kind of open mouthed-ness one has when they're overjoyed that someone seems to be feeling the same way, Tonks realized, looking horror struck. She wanted to run screaming from the room, face in her hands, but she'd made it this far…she'd taken the plunge and she had to see what he would say in response…

"Listen, Tonks…you…you're upset," he said gently, moving to the far end of the couch. "You're not thinking cleary…"

__

Say he's right! Agree! Say it was mistake! "Well," she laughed shakily eyes cast downward. "If that's the case , then I haven't been thinking clearly for the past six months at least because that's how long I've liked-"

"Don't," Remus said, with a sharpness that was so rare that Tonks looked up. "Don't say something you're going to regret, Tonks."

__

There's still time to take it back! Look, he's not confessing back, he obviously doesn't want- "Well, it's already mostly out anyway, Remus. I might as well keep going. All year, you've been so good to me, and it's been so nice, being on guard duty together and just being around Sirius and chatting and having someone to really talk to and we get along so great and it's no wonder really that I've started to feel things for you," Tonks said, extremely fast. "I know you probably think I'm mad, springing this on you like this, but I really, really-"

"Tonks, you don't know what you're saying," Remus said, looking as though he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "I don't know what you're expecting to come out of this. You might have…a bit of…a bit of a crush, but y-"

"Don't say it like, Remus," Tonks said, hurt. "Don't use that stupid professor voice to try and make what I'm telling you more trivial than it is. I…I wasn't planning on telling you anything…I got carried away, but that doesn't mean my feelings are any less-"

"Stop it, Nymphadora," Remus said. "Just stop. You can't…we can't…you're talking nonsen-"

"Remus," Tonks said softly, blinking away tears. "Please. Don't brush what I'm trying to say off. You don't like me the way I like you, and that's fine. I wouldn't expect you to, really. But just because you don't…feel the same way doesn't mean you have to use words like 'crush' to make it seem less real. I'm not some stupid teenager who doesn't understand her own feelings. I do like you. A lot. I understand that you don't…I'm not asking you to feel any…I just had to get it off my chest. Anyway, I'm sorry. I just…I'll go…" Tonks trailed off muttering things like "fool" and "idiot" as she made to get up.

"No, Nymphadora, it's not like that," Remus said gently. "Don't…don't feel bad about yourself because of this. You must understand that we just can't-"

"Remus, please. You don't have to make excuses. I just thought…there might have been a chance…stupid really…all the sweets in the hospital…God, how I made auror with my judgment I'll never understand," she said, forcing laugher, her face on fire.

"Please. Don't be upset, Tonks. You must know that there can't possibly be anything between us, for obvious reasons," Remus said, his expression a strange mixture of concern and discomfort.

"Yeah," she said, trying to brush it off, trying to pretend she wasn't feeling as though she were about to be sick. _You can't expect him to feel what he just doesn't, you fool. Stop making him feel guilty for what he can't help. _"I know. I know I'm not…right for you. Well, the whole unrequited love thing, I'd rather not do it…so I'll just try to you know…pretend this never happened and go back to being friends. You don't have to feel bad, Remus. It's fine, really." _You idiot, you had to go and use the word love, didn't you? Muck things up even worse._

"Really, Tonks, that's not it. It's not that I don't…. You're a wonderful woman," he said, and if she hadn't been hating herself so much right then she might have picked up on the sincerity in his tone. "Any man would be lucky to have you. It's because I care about you so much that I can't let you do this to yourself."

"What?" she asked, the weight in her stomach lightening slightly as she considered his words. "Are you saying…are you saying you _do _like-"

"What I'm saying is that it doesn't _matter _how I feel. I can't be with you," Remus said, pain in his grey eyes.

"What do you mean? Remus, you don't have to pretend if you don't, really, but if you _do…_feel the same, then we have to give this a shot. I mean, we're nearly there already when you think about it, aside from the…physical stuff" she said, smiling slightly, slightly encouraged by the fact that he had not yet actually said he _didn't _like her…maybe even lo- she snapped herself out of it quickly, refusing to get her hopes up only to be beaten down again.

At her suggestion that they were nearly there already, Remus looked horrified, as if he really had been oblivious to their growing closeness over the last few months. "Tonks, we can't. I can't let you do this to yourself. You don't want to get into a relationship with someone like me-"

"I think I know better than you what _I _want, Remus," Tonks said, slightly angry. She thought she saw something like…happiness or hope cross his features. By the time she realized what it might have been though, the stubborn, determined expression had returned and he was speaking again in that exasperated tone.

"No you don't Tonks. We've been together a lot this year, and it's been…it's been wonderful," he admitted with self disgust, as though admitting to some evil crime. "But…if a more serious relationship were to develop, it would quickly lose that quality, at least for you Tonks. You know my situation. I haven't got a thing to offer you-"

"What is it that you think I want, Remus," Tonks asked, not wanting to believe what he seemed to be suggesting. "If it's anything other than just _being _there for me, being someone to talk to and come home to and…well…I suppose _that other _stuff," she blushed, "then you're grossly mistaken. I just want…you." Her eyes were closed in fear as she dug herself deeper into confession, lessening her chance of ever going back.

"You might think that now," Remus said, pained. "but you'll realize, eventually, after you've wasted months or years of your life…that you _do _want things I can't offer you. You're young, too young, I might add, and you have this belief that all you need it love-"

"It's true," she cried, feeling foolish, but believing it with every part of her.

"It's _not. _You're optimistic, Tonks, and you think it is. But I haven't even got a _job. _I haven't got a house. You need someone your own age, who isn't restricted by stupid laws, that can offer you what you deserve."

"Remus, listen," she said, looking incredulous at his words. "I really don't care about that stuff. I never have, and I never will. I'm not that young you know, and this past year has aged me a lot more than most people of this age. I'm not going to suddenly become a materialistic gold digger in a year or two and decide I want someone else! I make more than enough money to get by, and I don't even have the benefits I'll get with seniority yet. Soon enough I'll have them and I'll be even better off. I don't need your money.

"I just want to be able to give you more than a hug or a handshake when we have to go off and fight the war. I want to be able to talk to you and not have to leave to go home at three in the morning when we realized we've been talking for far too long. I want my home to be yours so I won't _have _to leave," Tonks stopped for breath, and forced herself to look at him, despite her desire to cut off her own tongue so she couldn't babble anymore. Remus sighed and shook his head.

"Stop," he said with a simplicity and firmness that made the sinking feeling go back into her stomach. "I can't listen to this. I can't let myself do this to you. I'm a bloody werewolf. You'll never be safe with me and I'd be completely disrespecting you if I let you get yourself into this. We can't be together, and that's it."

"Oh, _Bollocks, _Remus," she snarled, a harshness in her voice that she usually saved for when she was doing her job and rounding up criminals. "Don't even _dare _to throw that one at me! You know fine well that I don't care about that, that I haven't from day one. If you're going to give me lame excuses rather than just saying you don't like me back, then…well…fine. Right. Okay. Right. Fine. Right" she said, aware that she might sound a bit mad, breathing hard and trying to calm herself, trying to get the passion out of her voice and keep the tears from her eyes before continuing with what she had to say.

"I realize that you just _don't _feel the same way. It's fine, and it would be unfair of me to expect you too. But just don't go making up excuses to avoid hurting me, because the fact that you're using your… _condition _to convince me that it couldn't work is _so much more hurtful. _If you actually think that would work on me, you obviously don't know me at all. I would think months of seeing me nearly every day of the week would show you I'm not that kind of person. I thought you knew that,."

Tonks stood up too leave, realizing she _hadn't _kept the emotion from her voice. That she had sounded like a hurt, huffy child. No wonder he didn't want her. She was pathetic.

"Tonks," Remus said, grabbing her hand to pull her down. She noticed as soon as she was sitting down again he dropped it like hot coal. "I'm really not just saying this. I wouldn't lie to you. My reasons are solid. I'm sorry…I…I should go," he said, and stood up.

At his suggestion, a wave of fury that wasn't even related to the discussion crashed over Tonks. She jumped to her feet, eyes wild.

"No way, Remus. You're not leaving. I'm the one who put you in this situation, and no way are you leaving your best mates house on it's last night on my account. I'll go, if you don't want be in the same house as me. I'm not taking away that privilege."

"No, Tonks, you wanted to stay here as well! You shouldn't have to miss out. He was your cousin," Remus said.

"You knew him for over 20 years, I've known him for one. I'm not taking away your right as his best mate. I'm leaving, and I'm sorry put you in this situation. Next time I see you, we'll just pretend this never happened, right," she said, though they both knew that could never happen. "I mean, if you don't like me, that's fine. We can at least go back to being friends. We were good at that."

"Tonks, once again, it's _not _a matter of not lik-" Remus started, but that was all she heard before she apparated back to her flat, which now seemed more lonely than the gigantic, mostly empty House of Black.

"Well, there you have it," Tonks finished, trying to laugh. "Old Tonks was not satisfied mucking up everything in sight by tripping over it, she had to go and destroy anything emotional as well. I'm an idiot."

"Oh yes," Molly said, with rare sarcasm. "You felt something for someone, you put your heart on the line and you told them. Definitely stupid if I ever saw it. Or maybe brave and admirable though, I don't know. Hard choice"

"Well, when the other person doesn't love you back, and it destroys one of the best friendships you've ever had, I think it's safe to say it falls under stupid," Tonks muttered bitterly.

"What's all this about him not loving you back?" Molly asked, eye brow raised.

"Molly, I told you nearly everything he said. You know he doesn't. Don't try and save my feelings, I've accepted it by now."

"Yes, you did tell me what was said, and my understanding has always been that he does love you, very much. Unless you left something out?"

"Well…no, but Molly, it's _obvious! _ I mean, all those shite…er…I mean garbage excuses about being poor and a werewolf? Obviously I knew that as I was falling for him, and could have stopped myself if it mattered at all. He just doesn't like me, and was just being Remus-y and trying to phrase it so he wouldn't hurt me."

"Well, that's one woman's interpretation of it. And here's another's; Remus Lupin is a good, smart, gentle and caring man. He's impossible not to like immediately and he's sweet, kind and wonderful. But he has no idea. His greatest fault, I realized almost right away, is that he hasn't a shred of self confidence and he only sees his flaws, never his good qualities, though they far outshine the bad. I'll be damned if he didn't mean every word he said about being too dangerous and old and poor-"

"But I don't care if he hasn't got any money! That's not what's important-"

"Dear, you're preaching to the converted," Molly smiled, gesturing too the paint that was peeling off the wall. "I've been with Arthur for years and…I'm sure you know we're not the most well off family in the world, but we always scrape by. I haven't lost the belief that love is worth more than gold after 30 year's of being with my fool of a husband and I doubt it'll kick in anytime soon. And I'm a fair bit older than you," she smiled.

"Exactly! You're happy! You don't care about money! You know what's important! If he's so smart, then why the bloody hell is he being so stupid…unless he really _doesn't-"_

"Hey! I'll have none of that. I would bet everything I own on Remus believing every word he said to you that night. I'm sure he really believes he really doesn't deserve you, Tonks. But I'd bet everything I own and more that he _does _love you. He adores the ground you walk on, love. Honestly, the way he looks at you…if anything, his feelings have been a lot more obvious than yours."

"They…they have?" Tonks asked, a glimmer of hope mixed with disbelief.

"Tonks. You always get along with everyone. You make an effort to chat to just about anyone, though none so more than Remus, I suppose," she grinned. "But Remus, while kind to everyone he meets, has never seemed as attached to anyone as he is to you. Well, besides Sirius of course, but I never saw him hesitate awkwardly before going up to Sirius, looking nervous and excited all at once. I can't say that about him when he was about to talk to you, dear"

When Tonks gave a small smile, she took this as encouragement that she could in fact, cheer the poor dear up, and continued.

"Though, that died down a bit as you got more comfortable with each other and became better friends. Then he simply looked as if he were in heaven while the pair of you chatted away. After Sirius would make a comment about you, the nervousness would come back again briefly. Anyway, as you got closer, I noticed that _look _in his eyes that was only for you. You can't miss it, when you're a mum. He loves you, Tonks, more than you can imagine. I know that look, I've raised six boys, though I must say, I've never seen them look _that _intensely at a woman before. Remus, is just scared, I'm sure, for both of you."

"Both of us?"

"He's afraid of hurting you and seeing you settle for less than he thinks you deserve, but I know he's also afraid for himself. He's lost _so _many people, the poor dear, and his life hasn't exactly been happy. You're a smart, nice girl, and you know what's important. But not every woman would be able to see past some of his problems and enjoy the goodness. Perhaps he's been hurt before. I'm sure he thinks one day, if he lets this happen, you'll wake up and realize you really do need a big house, and a young man who doesn't have any baggage and you'll leave him just as he starts to feel comfortable. He never thinks he's worthy, you know."

"But he IS," Tonks cried!

"I know that. And so do you. But Remus doesn't. But don't worry love, just be patient…and forceful, if it need be, and he'll have to see in time what you're willing to risk for him. He's stubborn, but I'm sure you can be more stubborn. And now that you have assurance that he does love you-"

"But what if you're wrong, Molly? I mean, what if he really just doesn't like me the way I like him and I completely drive him away by being a petulant child?"

"Tonks, I am not wrong," Molly said. "That might sound arrogant, but as a mother I have that right. I've observed too much male behavior in my life to miss the way Remus acts around you. Right now though, his main concern is protect you from himself, because he really believes he'll make you miserable in the end. All you have to do is hold strong and force him to see that you're not going anywhere," Molly said kindly.

'Now dear, have you seen him since then?"

"Well…yes, I mean there were two order meetings, but he purposely sat at the far end of the table and didn't look at me once and he just fled when they were over, trying to get away from me. Which is why I think he really just doesn't-"

"Tonks, you're feeling low on self confidence and that's stopping you from seeing the obvious. He's avoiding you _because _he feels the same way, and he doesn't trust himself to stand his ground if you go through the argument again. He's being ridiculous, I know, and I don't know how long you'll have to wait for him to cave. I believe he's going to be very tough about this. Are you willing to wait for him to come to his senses, love?"

"Yes," Tonks said simply, with finality and resolve. Then, with a sigh she muttered, "though I don't know if it will do any good." She felt the wave of doubt wash over her again, despite the fact that she had faith in Molly's judgment where she had none in her own.

"Well, love, if you'd like…I've invited Remus over for dinner on Sunday and you're welcome to-"

"No," Tonks said quickly, and then flushed, hoping she didn't sound rude. "I…I think I need a bit more time…you know. To work up the courage to try again. I still can't help thinking he just said those things as an excuse not to hurt my feel-"

Tonks and Molly both fell silent as they heard the gate outside creak open. They stood up quickly and Molly gasped, "Who on earth is that?"

Tonks checked her pocket for her wand instinctively, and when Dumbledore and Harry entered the kitchen behind Molly, she felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her, feeling as though they knew exactly why she was there and how she had just poured her heart out pathetically for a good hour at least, to a woman who probably had much better things to do.

After a quick greeting where she smiled up at them with great effort, she got up to leave, and once again declined Molly's offer to join them for dinner over the weekend. She knew that one day, one day soon, she would get up the nerve to return to him with fresh resolve and force him to see himself through her eyes, for she saw him as a man with kindness and goodness that was rarely seen except for in fairy tales, a man who had completely unintentionally stolen her heart and pulled her in. He still believed he was nothing, that he was the monster he fought against, that he was unworthy. She would make him see past it. One day. But definitely not this Sunday. With a sigh, she returned to her flat, more empty and lonely than the dark Grimmauld Place.

A/N: I'm considering making this multi chaptered, with Molly trying to talk sense into Remus and have some Remus Tonks interaction! Please review! Tell me if you like it, if you want more, and DETAILS ARE GOOD!


	2. The other side

A/N: Here's the new chapter. Remus gets a talking to from Molly. I'm almost done with chapter 3 too, but not quite. Anyway, I want to give you a little time to give me nice, juicy reviews! And since I hardly ever do multi-chaptered fics, I never get a chance to thank my reviewers, so I'll do that now. I do ADORE reviews. Not hinting….I swear!

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Lady Maundrell: The Remus/Tonks interaction is coming next! I'm almost done with it actually, and it's my favorite chapter so far! Hang in there!

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Taniita: Yes, Tonks is wonderful! I love her. And Remus does too, he's just a stubborn idiot.

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Grasshopperron: Ahhh, my outlet for R/T squeegee. Thanks for your review. Don't worry Tonks is going to put Remus in his place very soon. As in, next chapter. But first we have to see his side of the story. And the mistletoe part was the most fun to write. I can do angst but fluff is where my heart lies.

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unknown species: Oh, you didn't scare me at all. Flattered me beyond belief, but not scared me. Hope you like the update as much!

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Tonksbaby: Okay, Here I am giving you more. I don't do multi-chapters much, but I couldn't resist doing more. Thank you!

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Trish: Thank you! I have to get them to a happy ending! I couldn't just let it be a one-shot that ended sadly!

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Lily Christie: Thank you for a really constructive review! I'll take everything you said into consideration! I love lengthy reviews. I'm glad you think I got the characters down well. Characterization is the most important thing to me!

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TrinityDD: The Grimmauld place part was my favorite to write, so I'm glad readers enjoyed it. I miss Sirius!

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Luvable-Cutie: Wow, I'm glad you could relate to it. I hope you got, or will get the happy ending Tonks eventually gets. That makes me really happy, knowing it was believable enough to resemble a real life situation.

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Rachel: I went with the suggestions of my reviewers, and here's more. I hope you like it!

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Loop-da-Loopy: I'm glad you liked it, and I love being told I have the characters down well above all else, so thank you! I love them too much to change the way JKR made them!

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Jesus.Lives: Thank you for the nice long review! I know my timeline might be a bit iffy, but it's summer and I can't make my brain figure it out perfectly. In order to have the plot line go the way I wanted, I needed to make Tonks not know about his mission until later on. It didn't say exactly when he was assigned, I don't think, so in order for Tonks to get a bit of dignity and awesomeness back, I had to make her not know yet. Anyway, Molly definitely had her suspicions about R/T stuff. Well hopefully things will clear up as I add more chapters. Glad you liked it.

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MissGarfield: aww! I didn't want to make anyone tear up! But I get weepy at some fics too, so I guess it's a good thing in a way. I'm afraid their will have to be some more sadness up ahead, but don't worry. We know there's a happy ending. We just don't know how they'll get there!

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Bella: Thanks, I'm glad it was believable!

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Andrea 35: Yeah, I missed old Sirius so much, and I always liked to think of him being supportive of a Remus/Tonks relationship, so I went to the next level and decided to make him indirectly cause it!

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Xanya Forever: Thank you! Don't worry, I'm just glad you liked it enough to come back to it at the end of the day! I try to avoid making dialogue too scripted, which sometimes means lots of ellipses!

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Lupinslady: Hehehe, deranged Sirius was definitely one of the most fun parts to write!

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Moogie: Hehe, I'm glad you enjoyed that part. I liked the idea of Tonks being so impulsive and just trying to make poor Sirius amused, but then getting in a lot deeper than she planned!

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Alli-baby: Yeah, when I was planning this out, I was thinking of dialogue and points that could be made, and I thought of how happy Molly is with Arthur and how much they adore each other, fights and all, and even though they have to struggle sometimes with money, they've raised 7...well 6 COUGHpercyisagitCOUGH wonderful children. Silly Remus. Look around you.

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Emilou87: I just HAD to have a cute background story, even though the overall tone was a little sad, because I'm a fluff addict. I wanted to show how great their friendship was and show a contrast in their personalities. Remus being all proper and shy and Tonks just going right for it, only to realize it was more meaningful than she expected.

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Anne Nyltiak: Thanks! Hope you like this as much as the first chapter!

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Blue Eyes At Night: I hate how people reacted to Tonks being upset. It's not like he's some stupid childhood crush, he's REMUS. We all know how amazing and kind and gentle and smart her is, even though he thinks he's unworthy. She had so much to deal with that year, and I'm sure she wouldn't have waited a WHOLE YEAR for Remus unless they knew each other really well the year before HBP. She missed him and he was off risking his life and he was breaking her heart! She has every right to be upset. She's still smart and strong and she's an AUROR. That's not a role any teenage fan girl can get easily. Tonks has substance, and I think I like her MORE because she showed how much she values love and how loyal she is, not less. It showed she can be really fun, but she also has serious emotions. I heart Tonks.

Wooo! wipes brow That took a while! But I love you guys and you're worth it! Reviews mean a lot to me, and I always get happy when an author does the thank you thing and I'm mentioned. And this is not a HINT or anything, but if you notice the longer reviews get longer comments. Heh. Anyway, on with the story.

Remus Lupin sat at the Weasley's dinner table, and helped himself to more mashed potatoes, knowing that far too soon he would have to do without such delicious food. He looked around it again, feeling foolish for searching for someone who wasn't there. They'd been here for about forty five minutes, and despite breaking everything in sight on the way to a place, she was almost always on time.

If she wasn't here by now, she surely wasn't coming. Which was a good thing, he tried to tell himself. He avoided her during the last two Order meetings, and that was the right thing to do, he knew, yet here he was, hoping she would show up at a much less official gathering. What good would come of it?

He was starting to come to terms with the fact that he was wrong. It wasn't just a stupid crush she had. It would be so much easier if it was. Then they could just get passed it and go back to being great friends, friends who could tell each other important things, or pointless things or just be comfortable not talking at all. He loved the marauders more than anything, but having a woman who he could confide in as well as do stupid things like joking was an entirely different experience. She'd given him a friendship he never imagined having, and he felt horrible, seeing her at the meetings, trying to catch his eye, her own dark ones filled with such deep emotion, knowing he couldn't give her what she wanted. It was agony, knowing she was still struggling with Sirius's death, still blaming herself for not finishing Bellatrix off, suffering from being overworked and on dementor duty, and knowing that he had added even more pain to her life.

He wanted to be there for her more than anything. He wanted to be able to wrap his arms around her and know that even though he might be harboring feelings for her, she had none for him, so it was just a friendly hug. But now that she had gone and just acted so…like herself really, they could never go back to the way things were, nor could they move forward. It was hard enough to keep what he felt inside during all the time he'd known her, trying to convince even himself that he felt nothing more than platonic protectiveness and care for the young woman who somehow kept him young as well.

Knowing that he was not alone in those feelings should have been the best feeling he'd ever experienced. Knowing that a woman, despite being aware of who he was and what his life was like could somehow love him regardless of it, was something he'd never even let himself hope for, despite encouragement from two of his very randy friends to try and 'get some' for years. He wasn't going to let it happen though. It was impossible. He had nothing to offer except a few galleons and a sickness that would be with him for life, making it impossible for assured safety. What woman, let alone a woman so young, funny, intelligent and brave, would go for a penniless werewolf who was years older than her?

A part of him still couldn't believe it. But then when the memory of her earnest, hopeful face on that last night, as she asked if he was saying he _did _like her back filled his mind, and he knew that she really did feel something deep for him. Or at least she thought she did. One of the characteristics of youth was optimism and a feeling of invincibility. She couldn't see that being able to confide in someone, to laugh with them, and enjoy their company wasn't enough. Not yet. But when she was their sole provider and he got too old to keep up with her or she realized the problems that came along with lycanthropy she would have a wasted life and he'd have a broken heart. No good could co-

"Remus? Are you all right, dear?" Molly's voice called, cutting into his thoughts. "Remus, I've been calling you for ages!"

"Wha…oh, I'm sorry Molly, I er…was distracted," he said, a faint color rising to his cheeks. He scoffed inwardly at himself. It's not like Molly knew who he was thinking about.

"She couldn't make it, dear, but you could always floo her if you wanted to talk," Molly said, and Remus's eyes widened.

"Er, whose that?" he asked, though he had a feeling he knew just who Molly was talking about.

Molly raised her eyebrows. "Playing dumb doesn't suit you, Remus. Now, you said there was some Order business you needed to talk about to me or Arthur before you left?"

"Yes, that's right," he said, looking around warily at the children who were all within ear shot if they chose to end their conversation about the Kenmare Kestrel's chances at winning the league. Indeed, Hermione was probably not even listening at all, he thought, amused, and would probably enjoy a chance to eavesdrop on conversation of a more intellectual nature. And she'd waste no time in informing the lot of him of his mission.

"Well," Molly said, understanding his look. "I'm just going to do the washing up. If you can use a towel, I'll listen."

"Fair enough," he smiled, taking a few of the plates up in his arms and following Molly towards the sink.

"Now, Remus, what is it," Molly asked.

"I've…I've been assigned to a mission from Dumbledore," he said, finding it difficult to contain his distaste, knowing he was the only man for the job. "I'm going to live amongst the werewolf packs as a spy, and hopefully do my part in convincing them to stay away from Voldemort's side, though that will prove nearly impossible, if Greyback has as much influence as I think," Remus said, trying to ignore the horrified look on Molly's face.

"But Remus! How can he ask you to….? That's horrible! When he knows how you hate-"

"Molly, we all have to do our parts. None of us enjoyed guarding the Department of Mysteries every night, and none of the aurors enjoy fighting dementors day and night, but we have to do anything we can to prevent the death of innocent people. Unless we know what the werewolves are up to and how much influence Voldemort has over them we won't be able to stop them. I'm the only one who has a chance of doing so."

Molly nodded, still looking as though she thought it was terrible.

"Anyway, I'm to report back every 3 weeks or so, whenever I can get away without looking suspicious. I can't be gone long, so I can't give my reports directly to Dumbledore. I need somewhere where I have the best chance of running into someone as quickly as possible. Even if you're not home, there's a chance Arthur or Bill or one of the twins might be in, so we decided here was the best. That way I can get back before anyone realizes I'm gone and gets suspicious. I reckon I will have a hard enough time gaining their trust as it is."

"That's…that's fine Remus. Of course you can come here. But you poor dear, living with such foul people when you're so lovely. I dread to think of it. And what if they find out you're still a wizard? They could turn on you so quick. And there are loads of them! And I take it you're not allowed to bring your wand, either?"

"No, I'm not Molly. But don't worry. It will be fine Molly, we've sorted it out. It'll be miserable, but I'll be fine."

"Have you told Tonks?" Molly asked suddenly looking concerned. Remus's stomach dropped. Why on earth would she ask that?

"Er…no….why would I do that? She'll…she'll find out in the meetings won't she? When you give my reports?"

"You're not even going to SAY GOODBYE?" Molly burst out, looking angry. Remus looked at her, surprised, for her infamous temper had never been thrown his way.

"Well…I…no…I have to leave…in the morning…no…time," he said, sweating profusely.

"Remus, what is wrong with you? I'm sure Dumbledore didn't just spring this on you last night. You've had plenty of time to tell her. I always said you were a good man, but if you're just going to go off and put you're life in danger without telling the woman who loves you, who was one of your dearest friends until a couple of weeks ago, just because of a stupid fight, then I think I may have been gravely mistaken!"

"You know…You know about that?" Remus asked, biting his lip.

Molly paused, as though she just realized what she said and regretted it slightly. Her hesitation did not stop her from finally continuing in a manner that made Remus feel as though he were a small child.

"Well the poor dear had to tell SOMEONE, as her current most trusted confidant won't even look at her! And I must say, I think you're being a complete fool. You should see her Remus. She's a wreck. I know you're not the sole reason for it, but you were the one who really pushed her to the limit. At least before THAT she had someone she could talk to and be comforted by. I don't know if you either don't realize how much she came to rely on you and need you over her first year in the Order, or if you do know and are carrying on like a buffoon anyway, but you need to tell her. You're hurting her enough as it is, but if you leave without even bothering to say good bye I don't know what she'll be like."

"Molly, I can't," Remus sighed, eyes cast downward. "I need to give this time to blow over. If I don't I'll end up…doing something stupid, something we'll both regret…"

"Oh, what's that? Allowing yourself to be happy for once? Letting someone who loves you know that she didn't put her heart on the line in vain? That you love her just as much, if not more than she loves you? Because you may have managed to make _her _believe you don't, but I know you're mad about her, Remus."

"I…mad? I don't know what you're on about Molly. We were just…good friends and Tonks…a crush…and-" Remus's stuttering was cut off by Molly's louder, more sure voice,

"Stop trying to make her feelings seem less real, just because they scare you. She's far from a stupid woman. She wouldn't go and tell you something like that unless she really, really meant it. I've talked to her Remus. She means it. Just put a little trust in her, and I know she won't let you down-"

"Molly, it's not about me! A small, small part of it maybe, but Molly you must understand, feelings aren't what matter right now. Her safety is all I care about-"

"Remus, it's not you're job to make those decisions for her."

"Well, when she is unable to make the right choice for herself, I have to. One of us has to be smart about this. I owe it to her to be strong."

"Remus, you owe it to her not to make her lose all self confidence by getting rejected by the man she loves. If you honestly didn't care for her, she would have to get over it, but you DO, Remus and you're purposely hurting her. Remus, you two could be really happy together if you'd stop being ridiculous. You really would."

"Molly, be reasonable. You're not 23, I would expect you to understand why I can't give in to her," Remus said, exasperated.

"Well, you thought wrong Remus. All I see is a man who feels something for someone who feels the same way, but is being a complete fool about it and keeping them both from being happy."

"Molly, eventually she'll get over this. She'll see that I'm right. She'll meet someone…young, with a decent job, who won't be a danger to her…who can give her the life she deserves….and she'll…she'll fall in love with him and she'll be happy…"Remus said trying to sound convincing, though the thought of Tonks starting a family with a young, handsome bloke caused a searing pain to shoot through him and a lump to form in his throat. "I'm not going to let her throw her youth away on an old man who has nothing to offer her."

"Really, Remus? Nothing? Will you just turn away and leave her to cry when she's upset? Will you never be able to make her laugh? Or make her dinner when she's tired? Or tuck her into bed if she's not feeling well? Because I've seen you do it all, and that's all she wants. She has a fine job. She doesn't need money-"

"Well that doesn't change the fact that I turn into a vicious monster once a month-"

"Whose never bitten anyone in his life!"

"That still doesn't change the fact that it COULD hap-"

"Tonks puts herself in danger every day. She's not only an auror, she's in the Order. She is willing to take risks for a chance at having peace and getting rid of evil. But when we do have peace it's not going to mean anything to her if she doesn't have someone to come home to."

"Molly, I'm going to live with my kind tomorrow morning. They're more vicious than you can possibly imagine. I know just about everything there is to know about Greyback, and if he finds out how deeply connected I am to the wizarding world, I'll be in trouble. But if he finds out I have someone I love in it as well, they'll be in worse danger than I.

"I don't care what you say Molly," Remus said with a sharp finality in his voice that was unusual. "You can tell me love is all that matters until you're blue in the face, but it won't do any good. My life would not be worth living if a young woman threw her life away or was killed because of me. It's not going to happen and that's it. It's not open for negotiation. Now I'm going to go pack some things. I'll be checking in 3 weeks from now. Thank you for the dinner," Remus said shortly.

Before Molly could get another word in, he was gone. She sighed sadly. She didn't know how she could bear to see the look on the poor girl's face when she was forced to break the news to her that the person she cared about most in the world was going into an extremely dangerous situation without even saying goodbye.

A/N: Okay, do we all want to hex Remus into next week or what? He's a butthead, I know, but he THINKS he's doing the right thing, so we must keep our love for him up, because he comes to his senses by the end of HBP.

Anyway, I know this chapter was a little slower, but I had to show Remus's side of the story, as well as give an opportunity for Tonks to get seriously angry at Remus. Oh yes, he's in trouble next chapter. I have most of it written, and it will be up soon. Going off without telling her he's going to endanger his life or saying goodbye is not going to sit well with her. But the plus side, apart from getting rid of some of our frustrations at the overly noble werewolf, is that there is lots of interaction between them! It's all R/T next time!

goes off to finish chapter 3!

And just a last reminder! Reviews are my life source. Any comments, criticisms and suggestions are not only welcome but adored!


	3. Trying to fight

Remus Lupin moved around the flat feeling rather uncomfortable as he made his way toward the fire to put it out. He still felt odd being under a roof in a warm room after so long and the fact that it wasn't even his home made him feel even more awkward even though there was no one there. He had stopped at the Weasley's home to deliver his report, and Molly had suckered him in to staying for dinner. He had tried to resist, knowing that his absence from the pack might receive some suspicion even though he had been with them for a while now and they weren'twatching him as closely.

His other reason for not wanting to stay was that didn't want to be there long enough to allow Molly time to meddle in his love life, or lack thereof. She had dropped some rather heavy hints about how angry she was at him, though they hadn't gotten into a full out discussion since the night before he left. She had played dirty though, lifting the steaming pot of her famous stew, teasing his senses and weakening him to the point where he agreed to stay.

After dinner, Molly had gone on about how thin he had become and started insisting he get a good night's sleep on a real mattress, rather than going back to the pack. Bill and Fleur had overheard her attempts to convince him and had offered him their flat for the night, for they were planning on staying late at the Burrow and just spending the night. He had tried to insist on going back, but he eventually caved, for the thought of a warm, soft bed was too difficult to pass up.

He was just about to put the fire out, when a loud, thunderous pounding was heard at the front door. He froze, panicking, and wondered if it was Death Eaters hoping to take out some Order members. It was well known that the Weasleys, or at least most of them, stuck by Dumbledore above all others, and even though Bill, as far as Remus knew, wasn't doing anything particularly dangerous, he wouldn't put it past them to try and scare people out of the Order. He drew his wand quickly, but made no sound to acknowledge being inside, hoping it was just a neighbor who was annoyed about something minor. He began sweating, his pulse going quickly as the pounding continued, the door rattling on its' hinges as fists pounded it. When he heard the voice on the other side, however, his panic changed to a different kind, but did not lessen at all.

"REMUS JOHN LUPIN! IF YOU DON'T OPEN THIS BLOODY DOOR IN FIVE SECONDS I WILL BLAST IT APART SO BADLY THAT YOU WON'T GET THE SHARDS OF DEBRIS OUT OF YOUR SKIN FOR A WEEK! I'LL MAKE SURE OF IT! LUPIN! THE DOOR! OPEN IT NOW!"

Though he had never heard such a fury in Nymphadora Tonks's voice, there was no doubt in his mind that it was her. The number of nights he had listened to a much less angry version of it talking about the trouble she'd caused with her clumsiness at work, or recounting a detention she'd done back at school were far too many to count. Her voice was ingrained in his mind so that he only had to here a syllable to know it was her. Shaken at the thought of having to talk to her after weeks of not seeing her, he shouted, in a voice higher than he intended,

"All right, I'm coming!"

He opened the locks and took off the protective charms quickly, and pulled the door out with a creak. Standing there, looking about 3 feet taller than she really was with her towering rage was a brown haired Tonks. Without any sign of acknowledgement, she pushed past him, stormed in and stood by the couch, shaking with rage. He turned nervously and walked towards her.

"_SO," _she growled, looking at him through narrowed eyes but venturing no more words. By the look on her face, he guessed he was supposed to know exactly what was on her mind. He hadn't seen her in about 6 or 7 weeks. Not since the last Order meeting before he left for the underground. Of course, even then she hadn't quite looked like her usual bubbly self, what with Sirius's death, her stupid guilt over it, losing sleep and and being under considerable stress at work. Not to mention the fact that he was forced to make her feel like an idiot, and as much as he wanted to think that wasn't affecting her, that she was past it, he knew it was a fool's hope.

She had been having trouble with her morph, and though he felt she looked just as beautiful in her true form as in any morph, the sadness she carried even then took its' toll on her. But now, after not having seen her for so long, she looked even worse, with bags under her eyes, her mousy hair looking limper than ever and her once sparkling eyes were clouded over. Still, even though she looked her worst and was wearing a look that could turn milk sour, his insides were going funny at the sight of her. Fighting the urge to just stare at her forever, he decided to press her to find out why she was there.

"Er…Hello…Tonks. Are you, um, looking for Bill or Fleur?" he asked, knowing it was a pointless question, as she had pounded on the door wildly, shouting HIS name. She was looking for him, but for what reason, he wasn't quite sure. Unless she had changed as drastically as her appearance though, she wouldn't waste any time in explaining her fury. Tonks never kept what she was thinking inside for too long, and it was one of the things that made him fall in love with her. But right now, he thoroughly wished she would just head out the door again.

"Don't be an idiot," she snapped, eyes wild. "Now are you going to tell me what the hell your problem is? Is it possible, with your _busy, busy_ schedule to spare a moment to tell me what in God's name is wrong with you? Of course, I'll understand if you can't find the _time _being so high and might-"

__

"Tonks-what?" Remus asked, shocked at how scathingly she spoke, and how utterly disgusted she looked, but she completely ignored his interruption and continued on.

"I know I'm not worth a simple explanation or a bloody goodbye and I'm total scum, but I want to know-"

"Tonks! Calm down! What are you talking about?" Remus asked, though he felt he knew too well what had her upset. Molly had dropped more than a few angry hints about his 'despicable behavior' the few times he saw her and they had indicated that Tonks wasn't happy with him either.

"NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN," Tonks said loudly, though she did seem to relax slightly without realizing it. Breathing heavily, she sat down on the couch, still glaring at him. He half expected smoke to come out her ears. "I think I have a right to be a little less than spiffy after the way you've treated me Remus! Of course, maybe I'm just mad! Maybe that's the way all friends treat each other! It hasn't been my experience in the past, but hey I've been wrong about _a lot _of things. Perhaps treating people who care about you like dirt is a way of expressing friendship?"

"Tonks, I'm sorry," he said weakly, guilt seeping in as he allowed himself to think of how hurt he would be if she went off on a life endangering mission without bothering to tell him. With a pained look, he tried to explain, "I know I've er…avoided you a bit since that night at Grimmauld place. But surely you understand that I had to keep my distance-"

"NO I EFFING DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU…YOU…STUPID…I don't even know what to call you Remus. I don't know what the hell I even bloody see in you! You clearly haven't got an ounce of respect for me, Remus. You obviously don't know me at all, and I don't know you either, because I thought you were the kind of man who cared about his friends more than anything. I was wrong about that."

"As soon as one of them makes a stupid mistake and admits to something you're not able to deal with, you drop them like hot coal and go off to a place where the danger of having your throat ripped out as soon as they realize you're a spy lingers every day, with out even a good bye! Remus I just can't believe you. I can't believe you would just go off to your death without having the common decency to say goodbye to the person who cares about you more than anyone in the world."

"Tonks, it's not like tha-"

"Remus don't bullshit! It doesn't suit you. You went off, and that's all there is to it. You can't change that or make it seem less severe by acting all professory!" she snapped. "I did something stupid. I told you I loved you and I thought there was a chance you could feel the same way. You didn't. I was wrong. Whatever. I was willing to accept it an move on. I thought you would be man enough to forgive my forwardness and just try to treat me like you always did.

"And that would include _telling _me when you were going off to a place where you could be killed in a heartbeat. Remus, I thought you knew me well enough to understand me. I thought I made it obvious that I valued your friendship above everything else. Whatever I feel about you romantically, you were my friend first, and a greater friend than I could ever have imagined having when I joined up. You made me feel safe and warm and wonderful and happy and intelligent and like less of a klutz, and that meant the world to me. And I thought that maybe I meant something to you too, even if it wasn't anything more than friendship. But now I see that there was nothing there. At all."

"Tonks, that's not true, "Remus said, looking scandalized at her suggestion as he tried to get a word in, "You were the most amazing frien-"

"Remus, don't. Don't try to spare me, or make yourself seem like less of an…an asshole," she said, and her sympathy flickered through her anger briefly as she saw the wounded look on his face. "Sorry, but it's true. There was nothing there. If there was, you would have been willing to put aside the awkwardness for five minutes and take the time to tell me where you were going and how you were going to risk your bloody life for the Order. You would have used your stupid calming voice and told me it was perfectly safe, even though I wouldn't believe you and I'd worry anyway. But at least I'd _know._

"I wouldn't have been told by a reluctant Arthur Weasley after not seeing you at three meetings and having to force him to break it to me. If you just _told me_ I'd have given you a hug and made you promise to be careful and I wouldn't have to deal with the realization that my mistake was a lot bigger than I even imagined. If our friendship meant anything, you would have told me. That's what you would have done if I hadn't gone and acted like a desperate contestant on a Wizrding Wireless Network talk show. That's what you should have done anyway, Remus, even though I did make things horrible between us. You could have at least had the guts to try.

"Remus, you must have known that above all I value our friendship. Couldn't you have just forgot about my stupidity for one second to tell me what you were doing? To stop me from waking up every morning wanting to be sick, losing sleep over worrying about you, and feeling like scum because of the fact that after a year of me considering you the person I could count on above all others I came to the realization that I wasn't even worth five minutes of your time," Tonks said, the furious anger that had been present for so long faded towards the end of her speech, as her eyes filled up with tears and she looked away, her eyes filled with a hurt Remus had never known he could inflict.

He was dumbstruck. He knew, as he went off on the mission that Tonks would be a little upset that he hadn't told her, but he hadn't expected this. He cursed inwardly. He had always prided himself on being understanding and gentle and able to comfort people when they were upset, and here he was, the _reason_ for this beautiful young woman looking so much smaller and more vulnerable than she was, shoulders shaking silently as she turned her back turned to him, hopelessness radiating from her.

No.That wasn't the way it was supposed to be. She was supposed to give off feelings of spunkiness and optimism and youth. For the first year he had known her, she had constantly made him feel young and alive, even as his hair turned grey and his bones ached. And now, here she was looking lost and afraid and angry, and making him feel years older as he fought urges to hug her close and bring back that person.

How could he have been so stupid? Just because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to stay strong if they got into a discussion about their feelings again, he had gone a disrespected the best friendship he had left in the world, treating something that powerful like a spoiled child playing a chess game, throwing the board aside as soon as things got too difficult. Just because he was afraid, because he didn't think he could fight his feelings for much longer, he'd been selfish and horrible and had caused her such pain.

Tossing aside the fear, he decided to think about her for a change, to comfort her while forcing himself to stay strong. It didn't matter if the physical contact made things harder. He had to try. Slowly, he reached to put a hand on her shoulder, but she jerked away fiercely. He couldn't blame her. How was he going to explain his reasons for hurting her like this? What could he say? No excuse would be good enough. Buying for time, he looked around the room.

His eyes fell on her bag, which had been thrown unceremoniously to the floor so that its contents spilled out. Several newspaper clippings, with the ink splotched in certain places by what he was sure were tears were scattered across the floor. Reaching down he picked a few up, looking at the headlines, noticing that many of them seemed quite old. '_Werewolf Packs Come Into the Open, Two Dead, Six Infected," "Lycanthrope in Muggle Flat Mauled, Greyback Suspected," _and _"Creature's Rights Activist Slaughtered While Attempting to Help Underground Werewolf Pack" _were a few of the titles.

Tonks looked around slowly and when she saw him looking at her collection of articles, snatched the clippings out of his hands, tear filled eyes glaring at him again, "I don't need you to see how much of a wreck I was, thank you very much. I've shown that far too much already. I'm mad really, aren't I, losing sleep over someone who doesn't give a rat's arse about me? "

"Tonks, please. You have to understand how sorry I am. You're right. I was an idiot. I didn't think! I didn't realize how hurt you would be. I should have told you about it, to convince you that there's nothing to worry about. Worry about taking care of yourself. I'm being very caref-"

"Remus, don't even try! Maybe if you did the whole 'Don't worry, it's perfectly safe' routine _before _you went off to live with the bastard who made you what you are, I wouldn't have had to do all the bloody research myself and find out that all my fears are in fact, perfectly justified. I've done my homework _Professor_. Don't try and tell me it's safe. That Anna Rourke was trying to _help _them and look what they did to her! What the hell will they do to you if they find out you're working for Dumbledore? As much as I tell myself I want to kill right now, I don't know what I'd do if…it actually hap…if they…ki…"She choked and cut herself off, face in her hands.

Remus knew it was wrong, that it was heading toward the very path he tried to avoid, but right now he didn't care. He took her small hands in his and held them tightly, closing his eyes as he tried to explain, and tried to focus on his words rather than the feeling of her hands in his. "Nymphadora, please try to understand. It's _because _I know what they're like, and what they do that I've been…unpleasant… towards you. It's not the _only_ reason, because my financial situation and my age are a huge part of it too, but it's the big one. Tonks, I'm not going to put you at risk.

"You don't understand what they would do if I was in love with someone in the wizarding world and they found out. I will not let that happen to you Tonks. I'm won't. I know it's hurting you, and if I could take away your pain I would do it in a heartbeat. Seeing you blame yourself over Sirius was torture, but I was at least able to try to fix that. But I can't try to fix this, Tonks. I can't stop you from hurting in this case, because Greyback would hurt you a hell of a lot more than I ever could if he found o-"

"Remus physical pain is not what scares-"

"No Nymphadora. Please. Be quiet. It's my turn to talk now. I don't want to avoid you. I want to be able to talk to you like we always did. I'll try to do it in the future, if you'll try just as hard not to mention any feelings you might have for me. We can try to go back. But you must understand, when I had to leave, it was so soon after you told me and it was just too awkward and if we got onto the subject again I might have…" He broke off momentarily, before bracing himself to finish what he had to say. He couldn't hold back, if it would mean possibly allowing her to feel a bit better. "Nymphadora, I'm going to tell you something.

"I shouldn't even be saying this, but maybe it will take away a little bit of your hurt. Bear in mind that it _will not _change a thing between us. I can't let it. But knowing that you're not alone in feeling something might help you not to feel bad about yourself. I haven't outright said it yet, so I'm going to say it now. Tonks, I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before, and the fact that you feel the same way is the most cruel card that fate could ever deal me, because it means I'm not just some loony old man who developed inappropriate feelings for a beautiful, intelligent and funny young woman.

"It means, you care about me too, and if things were different, we might have been happy together, despite some differences. We might have had a chance. But unfortunately, because of the lycanthropy, our differences are just too great and things can't work that way. It's breaking my heart to have to turn you away when I never even thought it possible that you could feel anything for me but I have to be str-"

"Remus I do! I do love you, I do feel the same way. And as long as you never pull a stunt like running off for 6 weeks again without telling me, I _will _love you forever! I don't care about the stupid werewo-"

"Tonks! I told you this so you could understand! Not to give you any hope. Not to fuel your arguments. I just wanted to let you know, it's not unrequited love, because I'd do _anything_ to be able to have a relationship with you, but I cannot and will not put you in danger and that's fi-"

"Remus! It's not up to you! I'm an auror and I'm an adult who can make my own decisions! For the whole year, everyone else treated me like I was a clumsy child, and you were the only one who didn't use my age against me, and here you are, as soon as it's convenient for you, treating me just like everyone else does! I don't care about the danger. My life is in danger every day. What I don't have everyday is the warmth and comfort of a man who loves me. A little more danger won't hurt, but keeping me from being happy will."

"Tonks, you're the most amazing woman I've ever known. Go on just one date with a man your age who is healthy and actually has a job and he'll fall madly in love with you and comfort you until the day he dies. You don't need me, Tonks. You could have anyone."

"I don't want anyone. I just want you. I want you to come back from living with that monster and just hug you until your bones break and then make you dinner and make you pretend to like it even though I'll probably burn it or spill washing up liquid into it and then I can spend the rest of the night convincing you you're not one of them. You're not like them.

"Remus, I know you feel like you're less of a person because of your condition, and being stuck with them is making you feel like you're no better than the rest of them. But you are. You are better than any werewolf, and any normal man on earth Remus. You're good and kind and smart and perfect, and you don't realize it! Remus, I want to be there for you when you come back with reports to remind you that you're not like them, because you have someone who loves you in your life. You have someone who'll listen to your worries and worry with you and kiss your wounds and just be there. Don't you want that?"

"Tonks, what I want is for you to live a long, happy and safe life."

"Remus what about you? Stop trying to protect me and just do what you want for once. Remus, why are you doing this? Why are you spending every day in a place that is literally your hell on earth? Every damn day I wake up wondering if you're alive. Wondering if you'll make it to the end of the day with your organs still in your body! I know what they do, Remus! It's killing me, wondering if they'll do it to you next! If I'll open the paper and the headlines will be about you," She cried, and for the first time that evening the tears that signified her fear, anger and sadness fell, rolling down her cheeks and sloshing onto her Weird Sisters shirt, which looked out of place without her insane hair color and cheery smile.

Remus just realized he was still holding her hands in his, and he let go with one of them and lifted a thumb to her cheek to wipe them away, pulse racing at the touch of her soft skin. Shushing her softly, something fluttered inside him as he wrapped his mind around the fact that someone could be _this _worried about him, could care so much. Someone who wasn't his mum or one of his school mates. Someone whose love for him was of a completely different, unknown sort. Tonks threw herself against him and sobbed into his chest, muttering things like "Please don't die," into his frayed robes.

Squashing the voice of reason that was howling inside his head, Remus hugged her back with great force, all those nights he lay awake thinking of her, missing her and wanting to hold her finally pouring out into this embrace. He stopped himself from wondering if he was being too forward, if he was getting too close to the place he refused to go, and just hugged her. They stayed their for a long time moving only to squeeze tighter and Remus wondered what would happen if they just stayed here like this forever, waiting for the war to end, waiting for the werewolf laws to change and the obstacles they faced to become obsolete and they could go out in the world together, without any danger.

He breathed in the soapy smell of the young woman who meant more to him than he even allowed himself to explore, and thought back to the light hearted young woman who stayed late a Grimmauld place, complaining about Moody's vigilance, or being overworked by the ministry, or if she picked up on him being especially angry about his financial situation, getting into a full out rant on ways to make Dolores Umbridge miserable. The woman who got into wrestling matches with Sirius and had multiple bruises on each leg from constantly tripping, the woman who greeted everyone with a silly grin and a new hairstyle was no longer there.

She was replaced with a baggy-eyed shell who was working herself to death, fighting dementors and survivors guilt, and worrying night and day about the man she loved who had broken her heart. Remus knew that the happy Tonks was still in there, and wondering if he could bring her back. He knew he could try, but the horror that loomed over him, imagining her coming back, only to be targeted on the full moon and forced to live the life he did, or maybe not even being allowed to survive was more prominent than his desire to give in to what they both wanted. She was still sobbing into his chest, and something ached inside it.

"Shhh, Tonks. Please, don't cry. You're not going to see any headlines with my name in them. Dumbledore is no fool. We have it all planned out. Nothings going to happen to me-"

"Obviously that's not certain! If they don't find you out, they obviously won't be able to find out that I'm connected to you, so they won't target me! They can't get to me unless they find out you're a spy first-" Tonks said, still hugging him, but turning her head to the side so he could hear her protests. Remus sighed, and tried to think of a counter point for this woman who was too quick for her own good.

"If they find out I'm still very connected to wizards, they'll be angry, but they won't kill me, Tonks They'll only react like that if they find out I'm a spy. But if Greyback finds out I'm living a double life, even if he doesn't know I'm betraying them, he'll want revenge. He could easily find out whether or not I'm in a relationship and he would target you. Despite his disdain for wizards he keeps in touch with a fair few of them, and they're all dark ones. None of them would hold back that information from him, if they knew. But really, Nymphadora, you should stop worrying about me. You need to take care of yourself. You're doing equally dangerous work-"

"Remus, I can't just _stop _because you tell me too" she sighed, her soft laughter muffled slightly from his chest. "I don't want to worry about you. It's not exactly the highlight of my life, getting pains in my stomach and wanting to puke before I open the paper, believe it or not. It's not as if I can help it."

"I know. I'd rather not have to worry about you either," he smiled, stroking her mousy colored hair. "But I do."

"Well, you know," she said half heartedly, trying again. "If we were together, you could check in with _me_ instead of Molly, and stay at _my_ flat instead of Bill and Fleur's," she said, and he looked down just in time to see her blush disappear. "Seeing each other more often might take away some of that worry."

"You really are a Black, you know. So bloody persistent. Sirius would never listen if I told him a prank was too risky or dangerous-"

"But you always went along with 'im in the end, didn't you?" Tonks smiled, tears still in her eyes.

"I suppose I did. But I was pretty spineless back then. I'm not giving in to the Black charm so easily this time," he said, sighing sadly and hugging her closer.

"Well, I'm not giving in to you either," she said, getting back to her passionate mode, shattering the lighter mood that had briefly lingered between them. She pushed away enough to break the hug and stare at him defiantly.

"Tonks, don't be silly. I've told you my reasons, and they make perfect sense-"

"Wow, you're open minded," she scoffed sarcastically, and a flicker of a grin crossed his features before he continued.

"Don't go wasting your youth waiting for me, when you could be finding someone who can offer you all the things I can't," Remus said sternly.

"Remus, if only you could see yourself the way I see you," she sighed, head resting in her palms again for a second. Looking up again, with eyes filled with honesty, she muttered, "You'd never spout these stupid things you consider to be massive flaws. You'd realize how amazed you make everyone who meets you. Not just me, but Molly and Arthur and Dumbledore and the kids. You should hear Hermione and Ginny talk about you. You impacted so many people when you were teaching. You're the only one who can cheer Molly up when Percy acts like a git! You're able to make me laugh about idiots at the Ministry instead of hating them. You do so much good for everyone you meet, and you deserve to be happy!" she shouted in frustration.

"Yes, and so do you. One day, one day soon, you'll realize you can't have that with me," he muttered, placing a light kiss on her forehead, and cursing himself for it afterwards. He felt Tonks's shock at the gesture which was rather simple, but big when coming from someone as reserved as Remus, who also happened to be fighting closeness with everything he had in him. Instead of resulting in the calm finality he intended, however, it only fueled Tonks more.

"YES I CAN!" she shouted, and with a mighty grab, she pulled his face towards her, forcing their lips to connect before Remus could fight her off. Unfortunately, for him at least, once the connection had been made, he found it impossible to break. Every time he began to get his bearings and come to his senses, Tonks would intensify the kiss and he would be forced to go along with it, all logic chucked into the bin. When Remus finally pulled away, the kiss had been _a lot _longer than the one under the mistletoe or the one at Grimmauld Place on the night Tonks bore her soul.

"Tonks, stop! We can't do th-"Remus started but was cut off as she lunged at him again. Instead of connecting with his lips, this time she began planting frantic kisses all over his face. Remus's arms found their way around the small of her back even as he tried to keep them firmly at his sides, or better yet, push Tonks away. As he felt warm lips brushing against his cheeks, nose, chin and mouth, he found himself mimicking her movements, desperately placing his lips any place he could find, holding her tightly.

Minutes later, furious with himself, he pulled away. Not trusting himself, he stood up, fuming and moved over to a squishy arm chair a good distance away. When he sat down, he ran a hand through his tousled hair, trying to smooth it down, as if getting rid of the evidence of his weakness would mean it didn't happen. _'_That's right, Moony,' he raged at himself. 'Do all you can to be unlike them, and then completely lose control in the worst possible way. You really are a wolf.'

Filled with disgust, he forced himself to look at her, and as she stared back, there was a happiness on her features that pained him. What was wrong with him? What kind of bastard would give her hope like that, knowing it would have to be crushed again immediately. "Tonks. That was wrong of me. I'm-"

"_Don't _say you're sorry, Remus. That's the first thing you've done that hasn't made me want to break into pieces in months! It's the first time you've done something you wanted! There's nothing to be sorry about. It was…it was…nice," she said, smiling with an adorable twinge of embarrassment he cursed himself for noticing.

"No, Tonks. I've known for over a year that nothing like this could ever happen, I've told myself to be strong and be able to resist it, and then at the first chance I go and tease us both with something that we can never do full time. It's only torturing ourselves, Tonks. _This _is why I didn't go to you when I was leaving. I'm not strong enough to fight you, and the only solution I can think of is just not to see you. That's the only way this can stop."

"It doesn't have to stop! I keep telling you! We don't even have to tell anyone! We could keep it a secr-"

"Tonks, I've seen firsthand that the most important secrets are the ones that come out easiest, and ruin the most lives. Any research you've done wouldn't show you half of what Greyback is really like. We'll never be able to have a relationship. I hate it, but it's true and it's not going to change."

"Sirius would hex you right now," Tonks muttered under her breath.

"What'd you say?"Remus asked sharply, not sure if he had heard correctly.

"He'd think you were being an idiot! He'd jelly legs you until you went mad!"

"Nymphadora," Remus sighed, an uncomfortable pain in his chest as he pondered the truth of her statement, an image of a laughing Sirius watching them under the mistletoe shot to the front of his mind. "Sirius would want his cousin to be safe and happy! He wouldn't want you living in constant danger with someone who couldn't even support you!"

"Sirius knew how important it was to do what's in your heart!" Tonks cried furiously, throwing her hands in the air.

"Sirius was reckless!"

"Maybe, but he had a clean conscience because of it. He didn't allow opportunities to do the right thing slip by!"

"Yeah? And where did that get him? He's dead, Tonks. If he had stayed home, his name would have been cleared the same day! He would have been able to raise Harry and get out in the fresh air! Don't go using him as your example-"

"Really? What do you think would have happened if he _HADN'T _come? Anything could have? Every last moment counts, Remus, and if he wasn't there, it might have been someone else who died. Maybe two people! Maybe three! It could have been one of the kids! Things could have been a lot worse, and he knew that a risk had to be taken in order to make sure the people he loved lived another day.

"If she hadn't gotten him, it could have been Harry, or you or me," Tonks continued, voice rising in volume and the lump in her throat returned. "And he wouldn't have been able to live with that. But he didn't risk everything like that so the rest of us could go on living half lives. Remus, he would want us to do this."

Remus looked into her solemn but hopeful face and narrowed his eyebrows. "Don't bring Sirius into this. Don't play the guilt card," he growled, and for the first time, he sounded angrier than she did. "I couldn't care less what you think, what Molly thinks and what Sirius thinks. I'm not going to be swayed on this. I'm not going to let something happen to you, or let you throw your life away on someone who doesn't deserve you."

"Remus, you _do _deser-"

"Tonks, it's not a debate anymore. I'm telling you. Either find someone who is willing to get into a relationship with you or waste away wanting something I can't give you. The choice is yours. But I suggest you move on, because I'm not giving in. That's it," Remus said, turning his eyes away from the dark ones that stared back, filled with pain as she registered the seriousness and finality in his voice.

"I'm going. Good night," Remus said shortly, flicking his wand at the fire to put it out and apparating before Tonks could even respond.

The delayed part of her brain wanted to scream at him to wait, not to leave, but the part that was registering the cold of his absence knew it would be pointless. He was probably back in some deserted dark wood, soon to be in a place where he was constantly reminded of the part of himself he loathed. Flinging a vase against the wall in anger, Tonks headed angrily for the door. With a wave of her wand she fixed it, and slammed the door shut behind her, making sure the protective charms remained on it.

Miles away, Remus Lupin shivered slightly as he made his way toward the place he despised. He always apparated a mile or two away, just in case they started to track him and realized the tracks disappeared into thin air. The further away he went, the less likely they were to follow. Walking back towards the settlement, he felt colder than he ever had in these woods, even though it was only late September, and the weather wasn't bad. Now that he had experienced the warmth of being in Tonks's arms, of feeling her lips against his and her small hands at his back, he knew nothing would ever be the same. He could never find warmth in a place like this, when it was because of it he would never feel her again. Trudging down the road, he seared with hatred for the wolves, for Umbridge, for the stupid laws, and the dangers that kept them apart, but more than anything else, he flared with hatred at himself.

As she climbed drearily down the stairs of the building to the street, she felt, in a mix of pain and joy, the lingering feeling of Remus Lupin's lips against hers, and even though his tone suggested she would never feel that glorious feeling again, she told herself she would, no matter how long she would have to wait for it. The tough little girl she had been years ago, who had always sworn never to act like a fool over a man would probably kick her right now, but that little girl had never imagined the possibility that maybe, just maybe there would be a man who was worth it.

That little girl had never imagined the possibility of Remus Lupin. And the grown up woman in her knew that if any man were to ever be worth it, it was the one whose touch still tingled throughout her, so that even if he wanted to forget it ever happened, the memory was branded upon her forever. Thinking of those kind eyes that, through their sternness and resolve, still showed the signs of wanting to give in so badly, she knew she would sicken the little girl who swore never to act stupid over a guy, because she'd found the one who was worth it, and she wasn't letting him go without a fight.

A/N: Okay. That was…pretty angst filled. I meant to make it kinda fluffy, but when they don't get together for about 8 or 9 more months, that's kinda impossible! I tried. I mean, they _did _kiss for a pretty long time, and at least now she knows, not through Molly but through Remus himself that really does love her. That will help her stay strong. Sigh. I feel so sadistic, putting them through pain like this. I WISH I could just have Remus give in right away, but JKR is my God, and I'm not going to contradict her work. I'll just have to be evil.

I'm not sure when the next chapter is coming. I have a few things I'd like to include in coming chapters, but the order they come in isn't really set in stone. Also, if you want to suggest anything you'd like to see either between them or about them, drop me a review. I'll try my best to include it, because I love my readers and this is for you guys! I have plenty of scenarios to enjoy about them in my head and what gets typed up is to be shared. So any ideas are more than welcome.

So, I hope you enjoyed it. Reviews get the wheels in my head turning! They go reaaaaallly slow if they're not oiled up with comments and feedback! Anything, good or bad, is better than nothing!


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